You're a failure. You'll never be able to be a good mom. You're not even close to being a decent mom. You can't do anything right for your daughter. Everything is your fault and you should just give up now before you really mess up.
Thoughts like these roll through my head as I sit here rocking Isla, with tears rolling down my face. I'm exhausted; physically and mentally. I'm starting to wonder if I can go on. These past few days have put me through the ringer and I'm so close to just giving up. I'm done. I'm at the last straw. Nothing is going right for me. We're on day 10 of our NICU stay and I start thinking about how she lays in her bed, all day long, and no one is holding her, or snuggling her and it kills me. I want to be there for her 24/7 and I can't.
I wanted a "normal" pregnancy but my pregnancy was far from normal, I always wanted to be the mom who took weekly pictures, had updates every month, always looked good and had that glow. Instead I was sick 24/7, weaker than I've ever been, in a pretty decent car wreck and to top it all of hospitalized for almost 3 months. I hardly took photos, never did any updates and being on bed rest kinda makes looking good slightly hard. There were some days I'd put some makeup on just to remind myself I was human still. Having tests ran and nurses checking on you 24/7 makes one wonder if they're still sane. It was hard; really hard. It pushed my husband and I to our limits and there were nights of tears, and wondering if we were going to make it out alive. I started having doubts; they wouldn't leave me alone. I was scared for the future. I knew we'd never be the same once all was said and done and it made me wonder how life was gonna be. I knew my husband and I were strong, but part of me wondered just how strong we really were.
I wanted a normal labor. I wanted to be at home, with a midwife, maybe even have a water birth, and that dream ended around week 12 of my pregnancy, My labor was hard and long (for me anyways) and I just knew I was gonna die. It wasn't even natural. It was a c.section. I never in my wildest dreams that I'd end up having to have an emergency c.section. That wouldn't happen to me but it did. Having a daughter who's lungs are half of what they should be...or having a daughter in the NICU? That was never going to happen to me..and yet here I am. I'm struggling. I just want something to go right...something normal. Everything that was normal to me is now so far behind us; its blurry. I'm struggling to accept that this is what God had planned for us. From the car wreck, to having no fluid, to her lungs being too small and now having her in the NICU. I know He has a plan, but its so far from mine, and it's so hard to give up my wants for His.
I wish I could say that its been easy and I haven't struggled but I can't. My daughter has tubes and wires all over here, I can't nurse her, I can't bring her home, be with her 24/7 and it's killing me. I know moms all over the world have been through stuff like this and have survived but I feel like we won't. My emotions are everywhere. I'm hanging on to the hope that once she's home, things will settle down. We'll all be home, recovered and ready to take on the next season of our lives. I can't wait.
