Perfect

Growing up I had never really heard about a bad pregnancy.  The worst I had heard was emergency C sections or just really long hard labors.  Once I got pregnant I started to hear a lot more about the dark side of things.  I had always had this mind set that my pregnancy was going to be great. I was never gonna be sick, I'd always feel great and always wanna dress super cute. I was gonna be happy and just enjoy it, I just knew I was gonna love being pregnant.  Nothing was gonna go wrong. After the car wreck, my dreams slowly started to die. I was sick, I was not feeling great and I never wanted to change out of my yoga pants. I was a mess. This is not what I thought it was going to be like. This was supposed to be easy.  I started struggling to hang on to some sort of normal. Some piece of me was still trying to have that perfect 9 months...even though I knew it wasn't gonna be like my mind was still hoping.

A few weeks ago, after I had been in the hospital for a few weeks,  my Dr informed me that since our baby is breech and there's no amniotic fluid, I'd have to have a C Section. I didn't take this news well; I was so crushed and spend the next few days crying and being a mess. Nothing in my pregnancy has been normal and I was so hoping that the delivery would be the one normal thing that I could have. The one last perfect thing that I could have was gone...I wasn't gonna get that back. I struggled for weeks to finally accept that this is how my daughter is coming into the world. I'm terrified of everything that could go wrong. I have officially let go of things needing to be prefect and have now gotten to the place where I only expect bad things to happen. Bad news is all I seem to get and I've gotten so used to it. Heartbreaks are becoming a thing of the present for me. I still have fears about being cut open, something going terribly wrong, and even the thought the one of us may not make it. Its hard to have a positive attitude with all of these negative thoughts haunting me.

I've finally gotten to the point where I realize I want my daughter to be healthy and if that means that I have to go under the knife for her, then so be it. I realized how important she is to me, how much I love her, and how for her to have a fighting chance at life once she's born, my delivery needs to be as stress free as possible. I've made up my mind to accept that my pregnancy isn't and will not be perfect like I had always thought it would be, but it will be prefect in the end when I finally hold my daughter and realize that all of the pain, stress and heartbreak was oh so worth it. I'm a little past 33 weeks now, and in 2 weeks I will have a C section. My daughter will be 5 week early, and they're telling me she'll weigh around 4lbs. Her head isn't as round as they'd like to see it but since she hasn't had much fluid it's normal for her.  They tell me her lungs may not be strong enough for her to live long after she's born. They say she may be delayed and may need surgeries for her arms and legs. I've cried, gotten mad, fought it, and finally have accepted that this is my daughter. No matter how she much she weighs, what she looks like, or how long the Lord may bless us with her, she is my daughter and I will love her no matter what. Her story will be perfect..because the Lord wrote it just for her..and she is prefect.

Dear baby girl,

Dear baby girl,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately.  You move around constantly, and it makes me wonder if you'll want to be a gymnast or a ballerina.  Your so much like your daddy, you're both majorly camera shy; whenever they do an ultra sound you cover your face with your hands.  I was daydreaming and wondering what you’ll be like. I wonder if you'll have curly hair and blue eyes from your dads side or if you'll have brown hair and long eyelashes like I do.  Either way, you’re going to be so smart—I just know it.  

I'm wondering what its going to be like to hold you, and how big you'll be when you're born.  You're only 2lbs now and they tell me you're gonna gain a lot of weight here in the next few weeks if the steroids  work that they gave me.  I know you’ll be perfect no matter what and  that we won’t be able to take our eyes off of you.  I can’t wait. I have no idea when you plan on making your big entrance into the world, and that’s okay.  The doctors say you could come at any moment, and that scares me.  We still gotta finish you're room so if you could hang out in there for a few more weeks we'd be forever grateful, ok?  We are very much in love and can’t wait to meet you someday soon.

Know that you are already so very loved.