life is hard

You're a failure. You'll never be able to be a good mom. You're not even close to being a decent mom. You can't do anything right for your daughter. Everything is your fault and you should just give up now before you really mess up. 

 Thoughts like these roll through my head as I sit here rocking Isla, with tears rolling down my face. I'm exhausted; physically and mentally. I'm starting to wonder if I can go on. These past few days have put me through the ringer and I'm so close to just giving up. I'm done. I'm at the last straw. Nothing is going right for me. We're on day 10 of our NICU stay and I start thinking about how she lays in her bed, all day long, and no one is holding her, or snuggling her and it kills me. I want to be there for her 24/7 and I can't.

I wanted a "normal" pregnancy  but my pregnancy was far from normal, I always wanted to be the mom who took weekly pictures, had updates every month, always looked good and had that glow. Instead I was sick 24/7, weaker than I've ever been, in a pretty decent car wreck and to top it all of hospitalized for almost 3 months. I hardly took photos, never did any updates and being on bed rest kinda makes looking good slightly hard. There were some days I'd put some makeup on just to remind myself I was human still. Having tests ran and nurses checking on you 24/7 makes one wonder if they're still sane. It was hard; really hard. It pushed my husband and I to our limits and there were nights of tears, and wondering if we were going to make it out alive. I started having doubts; they wouldn't leave me alone. I was scared for the future. I knew we'd never be the same once all was said and done and it made me wonder how life was gonna be. I knew my husband and I were strong, but part of me wondered just how strong we really were.

I wanted a normal labor. I wanted to be at home, with a midwife, maybe even have a water birth,  and that dream ended around week 12 of my pregnancy,  My labor was hard and long (for me anyways) and I just knew I was gonna die. It wasn't even natural. It was a c.section. I never in my wildest dreams that I'd end up having to have an emergency c.section. That wouldn't happen to me but it did. Having a daughter who's lungs are half of what they should be...or having a daughter in the NICU? That was never going to happen to me..and yet here I am. I'm struggling. I just want something to go right...something normal. Everything that was normal to me is now so far behind us; its blurry. I'm struggling to accept that this is what God had planned for us. From the car wreck, to having no fluid, to her lungs being too small and now having her in the NICU. I know He has a plan, but its so far from mine, and it's so hard to give up my wants for His.

I wish I could say that its been easy and I haven't struggled but I can't. My daughter has tubes and wires all over here, I can't nurse her, I can't bring her home, be with her 24/7 and it's killing me. I know moms all over the world have been through stuff like this and have survived but I feel like we won't. My emotions are everywhere. I'm hanging on to the hope that once she's home, things will settle down. We'll all be home, recovered and ready to take on the next season of our lives. I can't wait.

Isla Rose Kuefler

 Isla Rose was born on October 12, 2015 at 10:50 am.

5 lbs, 1 ounce.

I was 33 weeks, 1 day.

I went into labor around 3 am and I was headed into my first c.section by 10 am.

She's been in the NICU since delivery but is doing wonderful!

We are so thankful she's here and can't wait till she can come home.

Baby Kueflers's Shower!

Last Wednesday we had our baby girl's shower! A family friend of ours hosted it for us and even though we had to have it in the hospital's family room, she did an incredible job! We are so thankful for her and everything's she's done for us. She hand made pretty much all of the decorations and had the cutest dessert ideas. The theme was Peter Rabbit and it turned out amazing!

 It had been a long, hard day for me that day so it was really nice to just hang out with friends and family and catch up after being in the hospital for so long.

Perfect

Growing up I had never really heard about a bad pregnancy.  The worst I had heard was emergency C sections or just really long hard labors.  Once I got pregnant I started to hear a lot more about the dark side of things.  I had always had this mind set that my pregnancy was going to be great. I was never gonna be sick, I'd always feel great and always wanna dress super cute. I was gonna be happy and just enjoy it, I just knew I was gonna love being pregnant.  Nothing was gonna go wrong. After the car wreck, my dreams slowly started to die. I was sick, I was not feeling great and I never wanted to change out of my yoga pants. I was a mess. This is not what I thought it was going to be like. This was supposed to be easy.  I started struggling to hang on to some sort of normal. Some piece of me was still trying to have that perfect 9 months...even though I knew it wasn't gonna be like my mind was still hoping.

A few weeks ago, after I had been in the hospital for a few weeks,  my Dr informed me that since our baby is breech and there's no amniotic fluid, I'd have to have a C Section. I didn't take this news well; I was so crushed and spend the next few days crying and being a mess. Nothing in my pregnancy has been normal and I was so hoping that the delivery would be the one normal thing that I could have. The one last perfect thing that I could have was gone...I wasn't gonna get that back. I struggled for weeks to finally accept that this is how my daughter is coming into the world. I'm terrified of everything that could go wrong. I have officially let go of things needing to be prefect and have now gotten to the place where I only expect bad things to happen. Bad news is all I seem to get and I've gotten so used to it. Heartbreaks are becoming a thing of the present for me. I still have fears about being cut open, something going terribly wrong, and even the thought the one of us may not make it. Its hard to have a positive attitude with all of these negative thoughts haunting me.

I've finally gotten to the point where I realize I want my daughter to be healthy and if that means that I have to go under the knife for her, then so be it. I realized how important she is to me, how much I love her, and how for her to have a fighting chance at life once she's born, my delivery needs to be as stress free as possible. I've made up my mind to accept that my pregnancy isn't and will not be perfect like I had always thought it would be, but it will be prefect in the end when I finally hold my daughter and realize that all of the pain, stress and heartbreak was oh so worth it. I'm a little past 33 weeks now, and in 2 weeks I will have a C section. My daughter will be 5 week early, and they're telling me she'll weigh around 4lbs. Her head isn't as round as they'd like to see it but since she hasn't had much fluid it's normal for her.  They tell me her lungs may not be strong enough for her to live long after she's born. They say she may be delayed and may need surgeries for her arms and legs. I've cried, gotten mad, fought it, and finally have accepted that this is my daughter. No matter how she much she weighs, what she looks like, or how long the Lord may bless us with her, she is my daughter and I will love her no matter what. Her story will be perfect..because the Lord wrote it just for her..and she is prefect.

Dear baby girl,

Dear baby girl,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately.  You move around constantly, and it makes me wonder if you'll want to be a gymnast or a ballerina.  Your so much like your daddy, you're both majorly camera shy; whenever they do an ultra sound you cover your face with your hands.  I was daydreaming and wondering what you’ll be like. I wonder if you'll have curly hair and blue eyes from your dads side or if you'll have brown hair and long eyelashes like I do.  Either way, you’re going to be so smart—I just know it.  

I'm wondering what its going to be like to hold you, and how big you'll be when you're born.  You're only 2lbs now and they tell me you're gonna gain a lot of weight here in the next few weeks if the steroids  work that they gave me.  I know you’ll be perfect no matter what and  that we won’t be able to take our eyes off of you.  I can’t wait. I have no idea when you plan on making your big entrance into the world, and that’s okay.  The doctors say you could come at any moment, and that scares me.  We still gotta finish you're room so if you could hang out in there for a few more weeks we'd be forever grateful, ok?  We are very much in love and can’t wait to meet you someday soon.

Know that you are already so very loved.