an open letter to my husband...

J,

4 and a half years ago, we became a couple. At 18 and 17, we were just a couple of kids madly in love. We didn’t know a lot back then, but we knew one thing for certain: we belonged together. And now, I can say with absolute certainty that the years with you have been the best of my entire life. I’m only 22 now so maybe that’s not saying very much, but I mean it all the same. 

I don’t tell you this as often as I should, but I love being your wife. In fact, I’m proud to be your wife. You continue to amaze me year after year with your ability to selflessly love me. Like the facet that you work 7 days week, from sunup to sundown, you never complain and you are always willing to help someone out. Or like the times that you wake up earlier to take care of our daughter so that I can sleep. Or when you don't buy something you want so that I can get something that I think I need.

You would do anything for me. You put up with me and my shenanigans, day in and day out. You even put up with me when I was pregnant for nine months, and for that, you deserve a trophy.

You have always supported me. I would not be where I am today, doing what I’m doing, chasing dreams, without you. That is a fact. You have been my rock, my coach in the corner, and my daily encouragement for almost 5  whole years. Thank you for believing in me, and for helping me believe in myself.

We’re on a new adventure now,  and there’s nobody I’d rather be learning with than you. I love watching you with Isla, how sweet and attentive you are with her, calling her “peanut”, playing with her when you come home from a long day, and always being worried about every little thing.

You’re an amazing dad, and an even better husband, which is saying a lot. Our marriage is far from perfect, but I honestly believe it’s getting better and better with each passing day. Thank you for loving me the way that you do. Cheers to the next 5 years, and many many more to come. I love you, Jesse David. Always have, always will.

-A

Baked Chicken Alfredo

INGREDIENTS:

12 ounces  any pasta shape
2 cups shredded, cooked chicken
1 batch alfredo sauce (see below)
1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
1 Tbsp. olive oil
4 cloves garlic, minced
3 Tbsp. flour
1 cup chicken broth
1 cup milk
3/4 cup Parmesan cheese
salt and black pepper, to taste 

to make the alfredo sauce:

Heat olive oil in a large saute pan over medium-high heat. Add garlic and saute one minute, stirring occasionally.  Sprinkle the flour, and stir to combine. Saute for an additional minute to cook the flour, stirring occasionally. Slowly add the chicken broth, whisking to combine until smooth. Whisk in milk, and bring the sauce to a simmer.  Cook for an additional minute until thickened, then stir in Parmesan cheese, salt and pepper until the cheese melted. Remove from heat and set aside.

To Assemble:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.
Cook the pasta in a large stockpot of  boiling water, according to package instructions. Drain, and return pasta to the stockpot and add chicken and alfredo sauce. Gently toss to combine until the pasta is evenly coated.

Pour half of the pasta into a greased 11x7-inch baking dish. Sprinkle evenly with 1 cup of cheese. Add the remaining pasta evenly on top. Sprinkle evenly with the remaining cheese.

Bake for 20-25 minutes until the cheese is melted and just barely starts to turn golden.

Remove and serve immediately, and enjoy!

6 Months Old

Isla is one of the happiest babes know. She's always smiling, cooing and laughing. She's currently working on sitting up and crawling. She still wears newborn clothes but is finally able to fit into some of her 3 month clothes. She's finally getting leg rolls (thank you Jesus!) and I'm all about showing them babies off. She's a nap queen and loves car rides, eating, and spending time with Daddy. 

Iced Mocha Coffee

Living out on the ranch definitely  has it's ups but it also has it's downs-one being there's no Starbucks within 100 miles of our house. It sucks honestly. I've been having a major craving for a Mocha Frap but no can do out here. I searched Pinterest hoping I could find a recipe to make one close but I didn't have any of the ingredients so I grabbed my blender and decided to try winging it. Boy am I glad I did. It turned out perfect and I have to say I may like this more than Starbucks..besides it's way cheaper and since I used Coconut milk, it's on the lighter side without tasting like it. It's the perfect Spring/Summer treat to enjoy on those hot afternoons...or mornings ;)

1C coconut milk (any kind of milk with work great.)
3TBS chocolate syrup (feel free to add more or less, depending on how sweet you like it)
1C strong coffee
Handful of ice
Place all the ingredients in a blender for 20-30 seconds and enjoy! 

The New Normal

It's been quite a while since I've sat down and wrote anything, and oh how I've missed it. I'm sitting here at our round wood dining room table, while my husband and daughter are watching a movie across the room. The sun is slowly setting, and I can hear the heifers outside in the pasture through the open kitchen window. If you would've told me that I'd be living in the middle of nowhere on a ranch, I would've laughed. I like the city, I like Starbucks, and I love Target. Don't get me wrong I love cows, horses and seeing the stars in the sky, but I like to do those things 10 minutes from town...not hours. We recently settled down on a ranch in the middle of nowhere, and after moving twice between last December and now, it's so nice to have a home. A place where we can be us, and put our roots down. For awhile we weren't sure where we wanted to be. My husband was blessed with an amazing job that he loves and he's living his dream every day. I'm learning how to be the good rancher's wife; you know, cooking filling meals, learning to handle the manure and mud covered laundry and giving up on keeping my mud room floor clean. I'm blessed in the sense that my husband has a ton of patience with me, and keeps loving me even when I fail..and mess up. We're slowly getting settled in our new home, but there's lots to be done. Painting, fixing up the front porch and I really wanna plant a vegetable garden soon. Ranch life is never boring and it's been fun learning the ropes of how things are done. There isn't many people out here so I'll probably start rambling more than I should but hopefully you won't give up on me.

Isla Rose // birth story

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything but we've been soaking up every minute with Isla, plus we were sick and are slowly getting better. I hope to start posting more sometime soon but for now here's a birth story!


It's 1 am and I was laying in the hospital bed, tossing and turning. My husband was snoring contently in the bed next to me, trying to get as much sleep as he could before work. I noticed that something felts off and I realized I'm having contractions. They're nothing huge but I can definitely tell I'm having them. I rolled over, trying to get comfortable, thinking I could just sleep them off. I've had braxton hicks for the past month or two so I wasn't too worried. After about 30 minutes, I realized the pain is slowly getting worse, and I know I'm gonna need something to help with the pain. I call my nurse and ask for some Tylenol. I tell her that I'm having contractions and that they're the worst ones I've had..ever. She brings me some heat packs, and I promise to let her know if anything changes.

A few hours later I realize that nothing is helping with the pain, and I'm slowly starting to panic as tears start rolling down my face. It's too early for her to come, and I have a c.section scheduled for the following week. She can make it one more week. I call my nurse back in, and she suggests taking a Jacuzzi. At this point, I'm more than willing to try anything if it'll lessen the pain. I quietly tell my husband where i'm headed and slowly make my way down the hall to the tub. As I sink into the water, I start thinking that this could be it..that my daughter could be trying to make her way into the world. At the same time, I'm thinking there's no way she can come today! Its too early and she needs to stay in for another week..she can't come today.  The water is relaxing but not helping with the pain so after about 20 minutes, I slowly make my way back towards my room. I climb into the bed, praying that the pain will go away, or at least lessen so I could sleep. I call my nurse back in, and tell her that I'm pretty sure I'm dying. She laughs and assures me that I am not dying.  She decides to put me on the monitor, and to our surprise, the contractions are every 2-4 minutes and they're quite big. She decides to call the doctor who is on call at the time, and see what he wants to do.

I woke my husband up, letting him know that he may want to call into work since there's a chance this day could end up with us becoming parents. He didn't think so since this isn't the first time we've had that thought, but when the nurse came back in to check my cervix, he thought it may be a little different. Since I had no amniotic fluid, my cervix had never been checked since they didn't want to risk an infection. I was 1 cm and my cervix was at at 60%. My nurse recalled the Doctor, while I called my mom, who was supposed to go out of town, and let her know she may want to change her plans. She quickly came up to the hospital, with my grandma and dad shortly following.

My contractions were getting stronger by the minute, and I was walking, crying and breathing as much as I could, trying to stay as calm as I possibly could. I knew that if I started to panic, or worry that the baby would start to panic as well, and that could be life threatening for her. I'm pretty sure I sounded like a dying cow. It's hard to breathe when there's so much pain. My nurse returns and lets me know that my doctor is on her way in, and they're gonna get an IV ready just in case it is indeed real labor. I thought if this is fake labor...someone is gonna die when I actually go into real labor. I honestly didn't think I was gonna make it through the next contraction. Since there was a small chance it was actually labor, I couldn't eat or drink, and since I had just taken Tylenol, they couldn't give me any pain medication. I just knew I was gonna die but no one would believe me.

My doctor finally got there around 8am, looked at the monitor, and decides she wants to wait another hour or so, and then check my cervix again. If nothing has changed, then we were gonna assume it was false labor and move on with our day, but if something had changed, I'd have an emergency c.section asap. Another hour? I swear that was the longest hour of my life. I walked, paced, cried, moaned, breathed, and got an IV stuck in my arm. I didn't know how to handle all this pain, plus all the emotions that started to hit me. Would she be okay? Would she be breathing? Would we both make it out alive? (don't laugh-this was an honest concern I had!) Would she be kicking and screaming? We knew there was a 99% chance she'd be rushed to the NICU as soon as she was born, but there was 1% that she could come out just fine. My day time nurse got there, and showed my husband some things he could do to help with the contractions, and I swear she was an angel. The pain never went away but the moves definitely helped make it more manageable. After the hour passed, they rechecked my cervix and it was now at 80% and my doctor looked at me, smiled, and said we're having a baby today! I could've hugged the woman! Pain meds were finally on their way, and I had hope I might actually make it out alive! They had me change into a gown, and my husband dressed up in the operating rooms fancy outfit.

Our nurse came in a few minutes later, and I had mentioned earlier that week that I hadn't gotten any maternity photos, so she wanted us to at least get a few bump photos, and off we went to the OR. Fear was starting to overtake me as I walked through those doors and into the operating room and saw everyone rushing about and getting things ready. They made my husband wait outside until they were ready, and I am so glad I got to pick my nurse that day because I know I wouldn't have made it without her. She was my saving grace that day. She reminded me that I can do this, that my baby girl would be fine and that we were both in great hands. She made me laugh and helped me not to stress about everything. They gave me an epidural, and laid me down on the bed, and I instantly got sick. My poor husband walks in, and holds the bucket for me. I was pretty sure he was gonna divorce me by the time this was over. My nurse tells me they're gonna start and pretty soon, the room goes quiet and everybody is just waiting till she's born. A few minutes later, I hear "she's here!" and a very faint cry. My heart broke; I knew right then, my baby girl was not fine and something was wrong. I started crying, and sent my husband over to where she was. I couldn't see anything but I wanted him to be able to see her and know what was going on. Nurses are running every which way, machines are turning on and off, and I still can't hear crying. The NICU doctor comes over and gently lets me know that my baby girl is having a really hard time breathing, and that her chances are not very good. I start crying, there's nothing I can do for her. I'm stuck here, I can't feel my body, and my baby girl is just feet away fighting for her life. My husband comes back over, sits down and gently grabs my hand. Tears run down our face as we wait for news.

Some of the nurses move aside, and I can barely see my daughter; she's deep blue, has tubes everywhere and is on a ton of machines. I can see their putting some tube down her throat, and my hands start to shake. I realize it's not my hands shaking, but my husbands, and he has sweat running down his face and he's is as white as a ghost. I hear him ask for something to drink, and my nurse runs over and makes him sit, while another nurse runs out of the room for juice. He starts getting sick and the only thing I can do is hold his hand. It was killing me to not be able to be there for the two people who needed me most. Someone later told us that we must really love each other because no matter what, we never let go of each others hands. The nurse brings him some juice, and he starts to look normal again. He stands back up and walks over to where our daughter is struggling for each and every breath. The doctors are trying to get her to focus..to get her attention but she just won't corporate. They had my husband get close and talk to her, and she immediately opens her eyes and looks at him.

Even though they needed to get her to the NICU, the doctor brought her over so I could see her for just a minute. As soon as I see her up close, I start crying. She's so small, and blue and there's tubes and wires and she looks so weak. There's nothing I can do, nothing at all. I reach out and grab her little hand, and pray she'll make it. They rush her off, and I have to wait till that evening before seeing her again. An hour goes by, and I'm wheeled back to my room to recover and wait for news on how she's doing. I tried to rest, but my body and mind was maxed. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't relax until I knew she was okay. The day passed slowly, and later that evening, they let us know that we can go see her, and we made our way down to where she was. Seeing her up close and personal was so hard. You could hardly see her due to the amount of tubes and wires that she was on. We cried and prayed that she would make it through the night. I was exhausted, and was taken back to the room to rest, while my husband stayed with her, and for the first time, I closed my eyes and slept. A little after midnight, my night nurse asked if I wanted to go see her, I was so exhausted and overwhelmed but needed to know she was okay so we walked down the hallway and as soon as I saw her, tears poured down my face. She was the most prefect little person ever, and I was called to be here mama. My heart was full.

She was in the NICU for over a month and since then has done amazing. We love having her home with us and can't wait to watch her grow into her own little person. 

life is hard

You're a failure. You'll never be able to be a good mom. You're not even close to being a decent mom. You can't do anything right for your daughter. Everything is your fault and you should just give up now before you really mess up. 

 Thoughts like these roll through my head as I sit here rocking Isla, with tears rolling down my face. I'm exhausted; physically and mentally. I'm starting to wonder if I can go on. These past few days have put me through the ringer and I'm so close to just giving up. I'm done. I'm at the last straw. Nothing is going right for me. We're on day 10 of our NICU stay and I start thinking about how she lays in her bed, all day long, and no one is holding her, or snuggling her and it kills me. I want to be there for her 24/7 and I can't.

I wanted a "normal" pregnancy  but my pregnancy was far from normal, I always wanted to be the mom who took weekly pictures, had updates every month, always looked good and had that glow. Instead I was sick 24/7, weaker than I've ever been, in a pretty decent car wreck and to top it all of hospitalized for almost 3 months. I hardly took photos, never did any updates and being on bed rest kinda makes looking good slightly hard. There were some days I'd put some makeup on just to remind myself I was human still. Having tests ran and nurses checking on you 24/7 makes one wonder if they're still sane. It was hard; really hard. It pushed my husband and I to our limits and there were nights of tears, and wondering if we were going to make it out alive. I started having doubts; they wouldn't leave me alone. I was scared for the future. I knew we'd never be the same once all was said and done and it made me wonder how life was gonna be. I knew my husband and I were strong, but part of me wondered just how strong we really were.

I wanted a normal labor. I wanted to be at home, with a midwife, maybe even have a water birth,  and that dream ended around week 12 of my pregnancy,  My labor was hard and long (for me anyways) and I just knew I was gonna die. It wasn't even natural. It was a c.section. I never in my wildest dreams that I'd end up having to have an emergency c.section. That wouldn't happen to me but it did. Having a daughter who's lungs are half of what they should be...or having a daughter in the NICU? That was never going to happen to me..and yet here I am. I'm struggling. I just want something to go right...something normal. Everything that was normal to me is now so far behind us; its blurry. I'm struggling to accept that this is what God had planned for us. From the car wreck, to having no fluid, to her lungs being too small and now having her in the NICU. I know He has a plan, but its so far from mine, and it's so hard to give up my wants for His.

I wish I could say that its been easy and I haven't struggled but I can't. My daughter has tubes and wires all over here, I can't nurse her, I can't bring her home, be with her 24/7 and it's killing me. I know moms all over the world have been through stuff like this and have survived but I feel like we won't. My emotions are everywhere. I'm hanging on to the hope that once she's home, things will settle down. We'll all be home, recovered and ready to take on the next season of our lives. I can't wait.

Isla Rose Kuefler

 Isla Rose was born on October 12, 2015 at 10:50 am.

5 lbs, 1 ounce.

I was 33 weeks, 1 day.

I went into labor around 3 am and I was headed into my first c.section by 10 am.

She's been in the NICU since delivery but is doing wonderful!

We are so thankful she's here and can't wait till she can come home.

Baby Kueflers's Shower!

Last Wednesday we had our baby girl's shower! A family friend of ours hosted it for us and even though we had to have it in the hospital's family room, she did an incredible job! We are so thankful for her and everything's she's done for us. She hand made pretty much all of the decorations and had the cutest dessert ideas. The theme was Peter Rabbit and it turned out amazing!

 It had been a long, hard day for me that day so it was really nice to just hang out with friends and family and catch up after being in the hospital for so long.

Perfect

Growing up I had never really heard about a bad pregnancy.  The worst I had heard was emergency C sections or just really long hard labors.  Once I got pregnant I started to hear a lot more about the dark side of things.  I had always had this mind set that my pregnancy was going to be great. I was never gonna be sick, I'd always feel great and always wanna dress super cute. I was gonna be happy and just enjoy it, I just knew I was gonna love being pregnant.  Nothing was gonna go wrong. After the car wreck, my dreams slowly started to die. I was sick, I was not feeling great and I never wanted to change out of my yoga pants. I was a mess. This is not what I thought it was going to be like. This was supposed to be easy.  I started struggling to hang on to some sort of normal. Some piece of me was still trying to have that perfect 9 months...even though I knew it wasn't gonna be like my mind was still hoping.

A few weeks ago, after I had been in the hospital for a few weeks,  my Dr informed me that since our baby is breech and there's no amniotic fluid, I'd have to have a C Section. I didn't take this news well; I was so crushed and spend the next few days crying and being a mess. Nothing in my pregnancy has been normal and I was so hoping that the delivery would be the one normal thing that I could have. The one last perfect thing that I could have was gone...I wasn't gonna get that back. I struggled for weeks to finally accept that this is how my daughter is coming into the world. I'm terrified of everything that could go wrong. I have officially let go of things needing to be prefect and have now gotten to the place where I only expect bad things to happen. Bad news is all I seem to get and I've gotten so used to it. Heartbreaks are becoming a thing of the present for me. I still have fears about being cut open, something going terribly wrong, and even the thought the one of us may not make it. Its hard to have a positive attitude with all of these negative thoughts haunting me.

I've finally gotten to the point where I realize I want my daughter to be healthy and if that means that I have to go under the knife for her, then so be it. I realized how important she is to me, how much I love her, and how for her to have a fighting chance at life once she's born, my delivery needs to be as stress free as possible. I've made up my mind to accept that my pregnancy isn't and will not be perfect like I had always thought it would be, but it will be prefect in the end when I finally hold my daughter and realize that all of the pain, stress and heartbreak was oh so worth it. I'm a little past 33 weeks now, and in 2 weeks I will have a C section. My daughter will be 5 week early, and they're telling me she'll weigh around 4lbs. Her head isn't as round as they'd like to see it but since she hasn't had much fluid it's normal for her.  They tell me her lungs may not be strong enough for her to live long after she's born. They say she may be delayed and may need surgeries for her arms and legs. I've cried, gotten mad, fought it, and finally have accepted that this is my daughter. No matter how she much she weighs, what she looks like, or how long the Lord may bless us with her, she is my daughter and I will love her no matter what. Her story will be perfect..because the Lord wrote it just for her..and she is prefect.

Dear baby girl,

Dear baby girl,

I have been thinking about you a lot lately.  You move around constantly, and it makes me wonder if you'll want to be a gymnast or a ballerina.  Your so much like your daddy, you're both majorly camera shy; whenever they do an ultra sound you cover your face with your hands.  I was daydreaming and wondering what you’ll be like. I wonder if you'll have curly hair and blue eyes from your dads side or if you'll have brown hair and long eyelashes like I do.  Either way, you’re going to be so smart—I just know it.  

I'm wondering what its going to be like to hold you, and how big you'll be when you're born.  You're only 2lbs now and they tell me you're gonna gain a lot of weight here in the next few weeks if the steroids  work that they gave me.  I know you’ll be perfect no matter what and  that we won’t be able to take our eyes off of you.  I can’t wait. I have no idea when you plan on making your big entrance into the world, and that’s okay.  The doctors say you could come at any moment, and that scares me.  We still gotta finish you're room so if you could hang out in there for a few more weeks we'd be forever grateful, ok?  We are very much in love and can’t wait to meet you someday soon.

Know that you are already so very loved. 

One Year.

Today is our one year anniversary. One year of being married, learning how to live together, learning how to become one. It’s amazing, really, to love and be loved by someone. Our first year of marriage has been hard. We've argued a lot, kissed a lot, and I gave him the silent treatment a lot. I slammed a few doors and cried somewhat regularly.  There were people who told us we weren’t ready to get married at the ripe ages of 18 and 19 but we knew that nobody is ever really ready to get married. They may think they are..but when is a human ever truly prepared for putting another human first? I'd have to say the most shocking thing for me in marriage has been how well he knows me. He knows more about me than I even know about me. He knows all my flaws, my scars, my weaknesses and somehow he still loves me...still accepts me. This is so hard for me to understand sometimes. How can someone love me so much when they know everything that is wrong with me? How hes still married to me is way beyond me. Its incredibly humbling. He shows me Christs love constantly and it leaves me amazed. I don't deserve him. 


We've been together a little over two years and married for a year. Being with him has been a journey; a ride of a lifetime. I can't wait to see where we are in the next 5 years.  I am so grateful for my husband everyday and am blessed by his example.  The Lord is shaping me into the person He wants me to be…and I’m thankful that He uses marriage as a way to do so. 

happy anniversary my love!

The Steadfast Love of the Lord...

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.” lamentations 3:22-23

A broken and heavy heart

My heart is heavy as I sit here staring at this long list of things that need to be done. The sink has dirty dishes, there's a pile of laundry calling my name and yet i find myself in need of the strength to just breathe.

Lately life has gotten the best of me and it doesn't seem to be getting any brighter. I realize I need to write, so here I sit, getting ready to share a really personal part of our life.  About a month ago my husband and i were involved in a car accident that left us banged up and our car totaled.  We were on our way to the local target when a driver turned in front of us and we had no time to stop.  I don't remember anything about the wreck until a kind lady crawled into the back seat and placed her hands on my neck, telling me not to move. The car was filled with smoke, my husband was yelling at me to breathe and stay calm, and the kind lady behind me told me not to move a inch. A person at the scene had talked 911 and an ambulance was on it's way. There was pain shooting down my back, my head was pounding and i couldn't breathe. I was trying to stay calm but then i started panicking when i realized that my baby could be in serious danger. I started crying and trying to move, and the lady holding my neck was holding me as still as she could while the EMT men were trying to get my door open. A few seconds later, a guy was telling me to stay calm, and that i needed to relax or else things would just get worse. They placed a neck brace on me, moved me to a stretcher and whisked me away to the ambulance. My husband climbed in beside me, and we headed to the local emergency room. I had some aches and pains, and the er doctor checked on the baby and all seemed well. A few hours later, we were released and my mom picked us up and drove us home.

Once we had gotten home,  we laid in bed, trying not to move since we were in so much pain, when all of a sudden i lost a lot of fluid and i panicked. I told my husband and he called my mom and we tried of figure out what to do. She called the er doctor, and my ob-gyn and they said not to worry that everything was fine. I tried to relax and stay calm, when all of a sudden, more fluid. I didn't panic as much this time, but it still made me uneasy. We slowly recovered over the next few days, and soon life was back to normal. Everything seemed fine with baby Kuefler and we couldn't wait to our 18 week appointment to find out what he/she was. On the morning of our appointment, we headed into the Drs office, and waited for our name to be called. A few minutes later, I was laying on the bed seconds away from finding out what my child was when the ultrasound tech said that my fluid was really low and he was concerned about the baby. I started to worry thinking that something was terribly wrong, but since he was the Dr he couldn't tell me much other that it wasn't good and it could mean that i'd be placed on bed rest. We thanked him and patiently to see our Dr. Once we started talking to her, she said she didn't think it was a huge deal but since i was worried she recommended I go to a specialist a few hours away to get a second opinion. I thanked her and made the appointment for the following Monday morning.

The weekend went by slow but it was finally Monday and we headed to our appointment with the specialist. My mom came with me since my husband had to work, and while we waited in the waiting room, she prayed that all would be well. Finally our name was called and we walked back into one of the rooms. The ultrasound tech started doing measurements and taking pictures and wasn't really saying much. She finally said she needed to get the Dr and she walked out. A few minutes later the Dr came in and he started asking questions, about the pregnancy, the wreck and just life in general. Once i started telling him about the wreck, he asked a bunch of different questions and if i had some tests and shots to which i replied with no, i hadn't had any tests or shots. He started to seem a little worried the more he asked and the more i said no; and that only caused me to worry that much more. During the ultrasound, he found some fluid in her brain and told me that the fluid around the baby was dangerously low.  He told me he was gonna order a blood work test for me and that i needed to come back in three weeks to see how things were. He told me that her lungs were small and that she may not live long after shes born...or that there is a chance she could be still born. I tried my hardest not to cry but it was really hard. This was supposed to be a simple drs appointment and the worst news i was supposed to get was that i'd be on bed rest. I walked out and made the appointment for the next visit and we headed home. I had the blood work done and we waited for the results, which came back good. The results being good gave me some hope that all might not be lost, and that she still had a chance.

Fast forward three weeks and my husband and i headed back to the specialist hoping to get good news since i was caught up on the shots i needed, and my blood work and came back good. The news we got was far from what we thought we'd get. We found out that the fluid still wasn't good, there is 2-3cm when there should be 9-12cm, I had a test done and we found out that during the car wreck something had ruptured and that means that my body cannot hold the fluid that the baby needs to grow. We also found out that not only within the next month I will be hospitalized until I go into labor (my due date is between November 29 - December 9)...but also that I can do into labor at any moment and that if she does comes within the month, she will not make it. If she comes after the next month, she has a 50% chance of survival.  Getting all this news within the past month has made my heart so very heavy. Its been a challenge for my faith and for my marriage. We're learning how to stay connected with each other when times get hard, how to support each other and be there for one another. We have one month to pray that my body will naturally heal itself. There is a blessing inside me, half my husband and half me, and I know that our God is strong and i believe that miracles do happen.

New Seasons...

I've been meaning to write about this for weeks now, but with construction on our apartment and awful morning sickness, it wasn't on the top of my list.  Now that I’m finally writing, I don’t really have the words. I never really dreamed about how I would feel when I found out I was gonna be a mama. Years ago, when I was in my early teens, I had a surgery and the drs told me that I may never be able to have children. Everyone who knows me knows my dream was to be a mom. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Someday. Hearing that children may not be an option for me was crushing...and I slowly became used to the idea of not having kids. When my husband and I started dating, I was quick to let him know that I may never be able to have kids...thinking if he knew that about me, he'd wanna move along to the next girl. His response floored me. "I want you for you; not for what you can give me. If God choose to bless us with children then great, if not, I still want you." I knew right then he was a keeper! ;)

Since we didn't think kids were an option for us, we really didn't think much about timing. We just went about our life as normal. Late February, I just had a feeling that I could be pregnant, but highly doubted it since I couldn't have kids. I decided to take a test late one night, and told my husband to check it since I was too scared. A few moments later, he came in and let me know that in 9 months we'd be parents. I fell into shock and denial. I started crying and saying that it wasn't possible. About 10 different tests later, I finally came to the conclusion that it must be true. We couldn't have been happier. Since miscarriage was a high possibility, we decided to wait a few weeks before telling anyone, and once we were out of the danger zone, we couldn't wait to share the news with friends and family!  I’m 13 weeks along today. My due date is November 15th, and I’m so looking forward to having a little one of my own for the upcoming holiday season!  I’m trying not to worry too much about everything that could go wrong and just trust the Lord and His perfect plans.

the way he loves me

growing up i always had this dream that i'd be the good wife all the time; i'd always cook tasty dishes, stay on top of the laundry and dishes, and i'd always have a smile on my face. I've been married for a few months, and i'm no where near the wife that i thought i'd be. I'm far from being the "good" wife. There have been nights when something i cooked tasted awful, or nights that i didn't even cook. There are days when i just stare at the pile of laundry lying on the bed, or the dishes scream from the sink to be washed. There have also been days when i have done nothing but cry...and cry..and smiles were no where to be seen. Many times since getting married I've failed in my book as being a good wife...and yet my husband still loves me. He loves me when the food i cook doesn't turn out and is awful, when the laundry is still in the same place it was when he left for work and he still loves me when i'm not all smiles. i don't know how he does it, but i can say i'm beyond thankful to have him always there...always loving me. He doesn't give up on me, he doesn't loose his temper or raise his voice, he just loves me. And i'm amazed (and beyond thankful) for that.

from my phone: hunting with family

all of these photos were taken with my phone

its 6 o'clock saturday morning and my husband is bubbling with excitement; today we're heading into the woods with my family to go hunting. He lives and breathes hunting and nature. Theres just something about the early mornings, hiking for miles (and miles!), animals (the bigger the better!) and guns that he just...loves. He can't resist it. I'm more of a lets stay home and sleep in type of person, but not this morning. We head out of town to one of his favorite hunting spots and we all unload and head up the hill just as the sun was coming over the mountains. The view was breathtaking, as was the hike. The kiddos tried to be as quiet as they could and they did amazing.  My husband was having a blast and didn't wanna stop hunting until the sun went down that night and he couldn't see anything. When we got home that night we had been hiked 10 miles..so I was dead and he was still bubbling. My love for hunting and hiking is slowly getting stronger thanks to my amazing husband who is patiently teaching me just how amazing nature is..and how amazing you feel when you hiked farther than you thought you could.

8 o'clock tuesday night

Right now, it's 8:00 on Tuesday night. The weather outside is screaming fall (with a little winter thrown in!) and I'm sitting here with a cup of peppermint tea, chilling on the couch with the hubby watching t.v. while the puppy chews contently on her bone. Evenings like this are my favorite. Its just us : him + me. I love us. I love spending time with him...just being with him. He's my favorite person in the world and i love spending every single moment i possibly can with him.

This is us

hi. i'm auburn. husband is jesse, and this is our little blog which will be documenting our life, laughs and adventures. thanks for reading!